When I was about ten years old I stood in my parents living room at out house in chipstead way and i had what might be called a vision, a hallucination, a waking dream. Last night i kept thinking about it as i tried to sleep. As i stood there i saw before me standing in a line my dad, mum and my older brother Mark and as i watched they died and disappeared. As you can imagine it was quite upsetting at the time and i felt very alone. Last night I thought about how hard it must be to watch the people you love grow old and frail and eventually die. I don't want to bring that on someone.

I'm living back with my parents for the time being and i've been busy working on my dissertation. My Mum is in China at the moment so it's just me and my dad here. Last night i sat typing after my dad had gone to bed and I was listening to music through my headphones so i din't hear at first the noises my dad was making. Finally I took the headphones out and I could hear him thumping on the floor of his bedroom and swearing. It turned out he had fallen out of bed and couldn't get back up off the floor. He couldn't even sit himself up. The arthritis and the weakness from the stroke meant he could help himself. I tried to help him, pull him up, push him up, but i couldn't move his weight. he kept saying "I dont know what i'm going to do" and he wouldn't let me call for an ambulance. He was so embarrased he hadn't even called for me and he didnt want strangers in the house seeing what had happened. I kept trying to make a joke out of it but i really felt panicky. I finally got him up by pushing cushions under his hips until he was able to sit up and get his feet under him better than with me hauling on his arm we were able to get him up.

I'm so selfish. i hadn't how helpless i felt but it was my dad who was stuck on the floor. I'm scared that things will get only get worse and i can't help.