Autumn

I had forgotten just how much I loved this time of year. The last couple of years I had been so busy in the autumn settling into another academic year and starting new placements. I love putting on an extra layer of clothing and pulling my scarf close round my face as the days get cooler and I have watched the dark stormy clouds close in with delight (although as yet the storm has not delivered). The pavement outside my house is littered with the cases of fallen chestnuts and the conkers are bright and shiny and so full of colour. the house feels cosy and warm when I come inside and i appreciate the comforts of home more when it is cold outside. How beautiful it will be once the leaves turn, i must catch the moment before it passes and they are all gone.

On the tip of my fingers...

Scrabbling in my mind for the words that refuse to come. On the tip of my tongue to the tips of my fingers. Is this a picture of my life at the moment, grasping for dreams that slip away just beyond my reach like the winning words in a game of scrabble. I ponder over which direction to take. Which tile and space on the board will bring me the greatest reward? After I make my move is it too late? My words are laid and that turn will never be played again.

Sometimes the words remain infuriatingly on the tip of my tongue and sometimes they slip off too easily and can never be unsaid.

Esther is right to say words are amazing. The right words, the wrong words. How they can change our lives. The words we use in an interview, the words we use in a moment of anger or tiredness, the words which bring a smile to a stranger's face.

The tiles cannot be unplayed, the words will not be unsaid. But sometimes when all seems lost, our next words can change this game we're playing.

where do you go little bird...

I handed my dissertation in yesterday and it was just as much the anticlimax as i suspected it would be. That's it. All I can do I have done. now i wait to hear what results i get and whether I get my Masters. whatever that means.

What do i do now? I don't know and that's scary and exciting. I have never felt so alive as when i am cut free and drifting, lifted on a wave and sent crashing down at the same moment. What is the right choice to make at this time? Is it right that at this time when my dad is unwell i am considering a position abroad? I think i'm learning to let go and I know that my decisions are not as permanent as I think they are. I'm still young and i'm going to try a few things out and see what happens. If it doesn't work out then so what.

When I was about ten years old I stood in my parents living room at out house in chipstead way and i had what might be called a vision, a hallucination, a waking dream. Last night i kept thinking about it as i tried to sleep. As i stood there i saw before me standing in a line my dad, mum and my older brother Mark and as i watched they died and disappeared. As you can imagine it was quite upsetting at the time and i felt very alone. Last night I thought about how hard it must be to watch the people you love grow old and frail and eventually die. I don't want to bring that on someone.

I'm living back with my parents for the time being and i've been busy working on my dissertation. My Mum is in China at the moment so it's just me and my dad here. Last night i sat typing after my dad had gone to bed and I was listening to music through my headphones so i din't hear at first the noises my dad was making. Finally I took the headphones out and I could hear him thumping on the floor of his bedroom and swearing. It turned out he had fallen out of bed and couldn't get back up off the floor. He couldn't even sit himself up. The arthritis and the weakness from the stroke meant he could help himself. I tried to help him, pull him up, push him up, but i couldn't move his weight. he kept saying "I dont know what i'm going to do" and he wouldn't let me call for an ambulance. He was so embarrased he hadn't even called for me and he didnt want strangers in the house seeing what had happened. I kept trying to make a joke out of it but i really felt panicky. I finally got him up by pushing cushions under his hips until he was able to sit up and get his feet under him better than with me hauling on his arm we were able to get him up.

I'm so selfish. i hadn't how helpless i felt but it was my dad who was stuck on the floor. I'm scared that things will get only get worse and i can't help.

The breaking up of the fellowship......

Gemma and Shiv left yesterday and now the final three housemates are packing up their belongings and preparing to leave the SLT house.

These are my final student days (i have said that before but hopefully this time it's true). I have loved living in this house with these people. I have been really lucky in my experiences at university, both times I have met wonderful people who have made a real difference in my life. I'm really going to miss everyone from the course


Laura ...............................................Rachel


Sarah...............................................Helen


Kath...............................................Gemma


Siobhan..................................Kate


Naomi............................Sally


Bryony

how would I have got through these two years without them. Especially my housemates

I PASSED!!!!!!

I passed my clinical exams!!!! No retakes!!! I passed i passed i passed i passed i passed.

now i am going to find a dark room to go and lie down in before i pass out.

Party, Farewells and Roxanne

Exams are over, the course is almost over and in a weeks time we all move out of the SLT house. So we decided to finish of the year with a bang. I will never listen to the Roxanne song in quite the same way ever again.

THE FINAL EXAM

Yesterday was my last exam and i think it went okay. The important thing at the moment is that i have finished, finally i have finished with exams. This afternoon everyone will have finished and we can finally go out and celebrate and this evening Mrs Spottiswood will stop by. it will be nice to do something and see people who have nothing to do with speech and language therapy.

THE UNSEEN

Yesterday I had my unseen exam. The process started at 11.30am with the session with a paediatric client and finished at about 3.30pm with the end of my viva. it all went by so fast that i stepped out of the clinic at 3.30 feeling dazed and sure that I had in fact only arrived about 5 minutes ago. I never want to go through a day like that again. My anxiety levels were through the roof all day and i was awash with adrenalin. Last night I couldn't get to sleep because I kept replaying in my head the viva and all the stupid things i said. ARGH! i must not fail, i don't think i could face it again. i how have until thursday to prepare for the video exam next week.

6 days to go and counting...

Two Weeks To Go!!!!

i have been so ecstatic about finishing my written exams and sampling the social whirlwind that I have not taken time to blog. Last Thursday I had my fourth and final (forever please forever) written exam. The few days after that are a bit of a blur (there was some drinking I think) but now I am back to work because unfortunately the written exams were not the end. The scary bit is yet to come. Next Thursday i shall be fed to the lions (well, a small child actually), I have my clinical exam. I shall attempt to carry out an initial assessment on a small child whilst being watched by two examiners and then I shall have to justify why i did what I did. Great. the week after that is the adult exam.

It is almost over though. in a fortnight i would have finished (not counting my dissertation).

2 weeks until the end and counting...

my second exam is over, i'm halfway through the written exams (i almost didn't make it to the exam hall because i followed Gemma's 'shortcut'). two more exams to go, 2 clinical exams, 2 more days of placement and a dissertation to write...easy...

Here is my belated thursday photo:

The girl's of St. Bart's. hopefully those carefree days will be back again soon.

4 weeks until the end and counting...

Rudy

The puppy died yesterday. the poor thing made it through the first two nights but was not stong enough to keep going. He didn't die nameless though, because he had a red nose he gained the name of Ruldolph. Bye Rudy.

A step closer

My first exam is over and I think it went okay but, as I hate to dissect exams afterwards, I am not going to discuss it. I am a step closer to the end.

Bonnie's puppies were born today. there were four of them but one was still born and one is very sickly looking. Two are very healthy and typical little Jack Russells, I only hope the little one survives but I must admit I think there is not much chance of that; perhaps he/she will surprise me. Happy Birthday Puppies!

Please feel free to suggest names for the puppies.

A wet and windy Thursday Photo Archive

This photo of me getting soaked at Niagara falls seems fitting on a day of constant rain. By the way, my face is not red because i got burnt; those bloody awful blue plastic bags they give you to wear are very good for cooking you in your own body heat. They are also very unflattering as Esther knows. I was very tempted to put a photo of esther here wearing this fashion item but i was pretty sure that if I did i would not live to see my graduation (and i've worked bloody hard to reach that day).

5 weeks and 1 day until the end...

Monday monday

To everyone out there who is able to appreciate it...Happy Bank Holiday Monday. Enjoy your day off. I should be revising but have not quite got round to starting today. i have woken up with no motivation; i think i have burnt out already. right now it's very tempting to go back to bed and sleep untill it's all over. "o dear, did i miss the exams. what a shame." I am fighting a battle against fear and boredom. I'm not sure which one is worse. today it is the turn of boredom. okay i will stop procrastinating and get to work...i'm going now....i will just make sure i do not have some profound thoughts to impart which i must be sure to post...erm...no, i think i have absolutely nothing to say...help...no no i'm going now......................................................... .................................................................................i wonder if anyone is on messenger right now...

Photo Archive Thursday (disguised as Friday)

I missed photo Thursday again!! i'm rubbish.

A little reminder of the good old days of Hawthorns back when I was last revising for final exams. This might have given me an idea for an alternative career path if all goes wrong over the next 6 weeks.

6 weeks until the end and counting

Then there were three...or five.

My parents brought their new dog, Bonnie, home on Wednesday and she has been busy getting to know her new home. In one months time she will be having her two puppies. I was discussing with Lammie the therapeutic value of dogs. I think it will be good for my dad to have a dog around again I think it will get him out of the house more. Of course in Lammie's case dogs are less therapeutic and are in fact demented. It could only hapen to her. I have never had to deal with vicious animals on placement. I can only imagine that if Esther does become a midwife that somehow dogs will beset her from all directions even within a hospital.

6 weeks until the end and counting

A new addition to the family

My parents have decided to adopt a dog from a rescue centre. She is a jack russell and she is pregnant. Here she is:

I can't wait to meet her when i go home for the summer, I am obviously still a kid at heart who is easily pleased.

Procrastination, photos, final coursework and foxes

I realised today that i have not kept up with the photo archive blogs, i have a lot of things to be getting on with but i don't think i should be passing up on a golden opportunity to procrastinate.

I came across a photo from Angie's wedding in my archive; it made me laugh (which is always good thing during revision) so here it is - Anne's right nostril:





Yesterday I handed in my last piece of coursework (not including my dissertation). Please God let it be my last, don't let me get any foolish notions about returning to education ever ever again.

It will all soon be over and i can start seriously looking for jobs (although i don't actually graduate until November). I am tired of it all at the moment and it is very tempting at the moment to pack up my bags and go and start up that hippy commune in New Zealand that was so tempting to Esther and me at the end of our final years (as long as I can take all my books with me, my computer and my mp3 player).

Conversation in this house is a little sparse at the moment. It's a struggle to find something to talk about other than speech and language therapy and in the evening sometimes we just end up slumped around the dinning table in almost unbroken silence. Luckily we have foxes living in our garden at the moment which provide us with alternative conversation topics and moments of distraction when they come up to our living room window. It's amazing how exciting the wildlife in your garden can be when you spend most of your day tied to your desk (sigh).

Revision!!! (again)

It is revision time again. Why have i put myself through this again? I remember conversations with Esther (over many cups of coffee) in our final year at Keele when we would say that we would never put ourselves through this again. The boredom is the worse thing. I hate doing the same thing for too long, i get fidgety and start biouncing off the walls. I just took a look through the archives of my old blog and found this entry:

"I have finished my degree. three years of hard slog (sometimes) over with. no gradual coming to a stop...in a moment i went from being a finalist frantically writing....to...(stop writing)...nothing...I sat for perhaps two seconds a strange grin on my face (buts what new about that?) as it dawned on me that a lifetime in the education system had come to an end (for now).

I came home and i was tired and deflated...i cannot adjust to doing nothing so i have tidied the flat, tidied my room, and now i blog...i have never felt so calm during an exam period as i have during this one. God has been so good to me, bringing peace to His crazy child...I perhaps have not made it so peaceful for my flatmates...Esther has told me i have stretched my weirdness so far that there is no coming back. Perhaps my mind is like a rubber band i have stretched until it snapped...or perhaps there is still some stretch left..."

I hope my mind does have some stretch left.

This time is definitely the last time i put myself through this.

See you on the other side.

Phot Archive Thursday

Douglas, douglas, douglas, douglas!!!!!

Where are you now Douglas? Has anyone cared for you as much as we did? Do you remember us fondly when you drive by a starbucks? do you hear the ghost of a voice saying"frappo, frappo"? We shall not forget you Douglas.

Photo Archive Thursday

This photo is one of my favourites. I like how it feels and the sky seems so blue behind the black bars.

roller coaster

Today was quite positive. My session today went very well and although my feedback for my placement so far was not glowing it left me feeling that perhaps i was getting there. I should be feeling good but instead i am wary. My confidence has taken such a dive recently that i find myself waiting for fate to kick me in the teeth and show me where my next fuck up will be.

After the easter weekend i was planning to go up to Norfolk for a few days to see my nephews and i was going to go paintballing with Mark. After thinking about the amount of work ahead of me and forming a tentative revision timetable, i phoned Mark up and told him i would not be able to make it afterall and i would have to visit in the summer. I found myself choking up and having to fight to stop my voice going all funny. The last thing i want is for my brother to think i am falling apart. This took me somewhat by surprise as i had not realised that i was upset about anything at this particular moment. I thought i must be tired and anxious about the amount of work i have to do. But the reason i felt like crying was because i kept thinking that i would not have seen my brother for 6 months by the time the summer comes round. What on earth has happened to make me so emotional and setimental? I am falling apart. Send for the men in white coats.

To Cheltenham & Gloucester and Back Again

The story of my St. Patrick's Day Weekend

I hope everyone celebrated Paddy's Day in style.

I went to cheltenham on Friday with my housemates to soak in the atmosphere of the post gold cup celebrations. It was a great evening, i liked Cheltenham and there were enough random people in for the races to keep a people watcher like me amused for days. It was particularly amusing to watch Rachel's boyfriend Steve and his friend Carlos who had been drinking steadily throughout the whole day, culminating in Steve being slumped over a bar, eyes glazed over but still drinking on automatic. They were still going when we decided we had enough and went back to Rachel's. When they staggered back later Steve fell on the sofa bed where Laura and Shiv were attempting to sleep and he proceeded to breathe on Shiv asking her if his breath smelt. poor shiv couldn't escape because he was pinning down the sleeping bag in which she was zipped up in. When i went into the kitchen the next morning there was a naked man sleeping on the kitchen floor with a sheep skin rug as his only covering. Strange people in cheltenham.

The next day being St Patrick's Day and the last day of the 6 nations rugby, we took ourselves to o'neils to join in the celebrations. 3 rugby matches, a silly guiness hat, and several magners later and Laura and I parted company with everyone else and went to catch the 8.02 train to Reading. When we got to Cheltenham Spa train station we discovered that it was not a direct train and that we would have to change at Bristol Parkway. So we get on the train and we wait for the conductor to come along so we can buy our tickets. We knew it was a bad sign when we stated our destination and he said "Where??"

After some very confusing dialogue he eventually told us that if we changed at Bristol parkway we would have to pay 40 pounds but if we went to swindon it would only be 19 pounds. being students we decided the cheaper option was the right one, even though that meant getting off at Gloucester and getting another train back the way we had just come. Unfortunately we then discovered the train was coming for another hour and a half. So we wandered into Gloucester and two magners later and we were finally on a train heading in the right direction. In the end it turned out the ticket was only 10 pounds cheaper and we spent that on drinks in Gloucester.

Of course that was not the end of my St patricks weekend. Yesterday London Irish were playing London Wasps at Madejski stadium. Irish won 16-13 and the celebrations flowed on into the town. Go Irish!

better late than never

I'm late again for the Thursday photo archive.

I long to be anywhere but here so i present another photo of the sea.

Monday is the new Thursday...

...at least for today. I could not post a photo for the Thursday photo archive because my internet connection went down and so here is my offering instead. A photo of Brighton last summer to remind me of what joys await me in the carefree days to come. In the words of Mrs Bennett: "A little sea-bathing would set me up forever!"

Un bel di vedremo

The end is in sight (at least for this term), i have two weeks left of lectures and then 2 weeks of placement. This weekend gone I decided to take a break and on Saturday I went to see Madam Butterfly at the Royal Albert Hall. It was beautiful and I found that the plight of cio cio san still manages to move me to tears. The stage was wonderfully done with candles floating out on to the lake as 'night' descended. I was like a little girl eagerly awaiting some wonderful treat as i sat down in my seat and as Un bel di vedremo was sung i had goosebumps on my arms. For a few hours i forgot everything and nothing existed but the story unfolding before me.

Marrying the Sea Till Death Do Us Part

Well I stood before the ocean
In the middle of the night
And ‘cos I loved her so
I asked her then if she would be my wife
Then I closed my eyes and waited
And I listened for an answer
Until she kissed my feet
And whispered I could not give you my answer
And then as she walked me up and down along the shore
She said you’re far too young to marry me
For I am old as old can be
And I’ve been wed with many men
But for all my love I far outlived them all.

So I went to her the next night
All a merry-ed up with wine
And I asked her for her long blue hand
For to hold hers there in mine
And then once again I waited
And I listened for awhile
Until I heard her voice come
Crashing in the waves
That broke all round for miles and miles
She said how could I place my trust in thee
When I am bound and you are free
See so many men have took my hand
And so many of them left me for the land

There were fisherman, whalers, seamen and sailors
But for all it’s just me and the moon
And for each star above me
Ten more have loved me
How could it be different with you
So when It was quiet on the third night
I said my life is in your hands
You can keep me for the time I have
Or I’ll lie here on the sand
And it was quiet on the third night
As I took off my shoes
But as I walked into her arms she said
Sure what have I to lose.

Declan O'Rourke

There's been a mistake

Is there another Brianne out there, who applied to study speech and language therapy at Reading Uni? I think they offered me your place accidentally. It took me two years to figure out what should have been obvious from the beginning, i don't deserve to be here. I should have stuck to books and left people alone. I'm really going to disapoint my parents this time when i fail this course. Why at 25 should i still be bothered by that? i don't know but i starting to get the sneaking suspicion that it is a feeling that wont ever leave me.

right, someone slap me, i have to stop being so self-pitying. i need a fallback plan. I can get an office job somewhere. Esther, does your company need anyone?

Photo Thursday

Carcassonne. looking down on the cathedral below.

3 summers ago, when i was carefree and didn't realise that i would one day be hiding in the ladies trying to control my tears before going back to clinic or that i would be wandering down roads feeling lost and trying to think of a way out.

It hasn't been the best of weeks and it feels like the culmination of all the stress i have been feeling lately. This weekend I am going to woolacombe with my housemates. i wasn't going to go but I think if i stay here this weekend i might do something i will regret.

I thought i was just going to type a quick note about the photo.

so...castle, sun, swimming in lakes, good holiday. bye

My cat is dead

An Unusual Cat-Poem
by Wendy Cope

My cat is dead
But I have decided not to make a big tragedy of it.

RIP Gemma

Thursday Photo Extravaganza

The night is darkening round me,
The wild winds coldly blow;
But a tyrant spell has bound me
And I cannot, cannot go.


The giant trees are bending
Their bare boughs weighed with snow.
And the storm is fast descending,
And yet I cannot go.


Clouds beyond clouds above me,
Wastes beyond wastes below;
But nothing drear can move me;
I will not, cannot go.

Spellbound
by Emily Brontë

Photo Archive Thursdays

Esther has been looking through her photos and has decided to do photo archive thursdays - a different photo from the archive going up every Thursday. I have decided to join her in this (although I doubt mine will be as good). It will be interesting to see what memories they will bring up.

Photo Archive #1

Lights & Mirrors

Visiting Esther around New Year 05-06 with Lammie. Est took us to a bar/restaurant (the name of which I cannot remember) and this is a photo of one mirrored wall reflecting all the different lights. I liked the colours so much i made it my screen wallpaper.

25th birthday

My birthday week has come to an end. A week of snow, ids, strange men in bars asking me to say sausage (apparently this would prove i was 25), nudity and men in drag, family and friends and laughter. i also receieved a speech therapist's survival kit which i will no doubt be needing more and more as this year goes on.Thank you to everyone who made it so special.

Birthday Snow

I woke up at half past seven this morning to the sound of laura whispering on the landing "Siobhan" in a very excited manner. I realised it must have snowed if Laura was up and about trying to wake people up. I have never seen a child get half as excited as Laura does about snow. I looked out my window and sure enough the world was sugar coated. I wandered out of my bedroom and heard Laura "Brianne, Brianne, have you looked outside! We have to go outside". So Laura, Rachel and I wrapped up against the cold and went over the road to the park (Siobhan sensibly stayed inside). No one else had been out yet and the park looked perfect. We had snowball fights, built a snowman and had competitions to see who could jump the farthest. I felt like a kid again and quite carfree. Rachel said it was my birthday snow.

It's not my birtday until Saturday but last night when i got back from placement, the girls said that my birthday week starts now. We all find placements quite stressful and i think we all needed to let loose. So wine was opened and Helen came over to make apple crumble (as she had promised she would do for my birthday. It's my favourite dessert) but for some reason the girls would not let me into the kitchen. I thought they must be doing something extra special with this apple crumble. Then the lights went out in the living room and they emerged from the kitchen with a chocolate birthday cake covered in dolly mixtures and with four candles. Laura had made it that afternoon. Tonight we are all going ouot to Thai Corner for a meal and Saturday night I am going to see Twelfth Night at the Old Vic, so it really does feel like this is my birthday week. I feel very lucky to have once again found myself living with such a great group of people. I have been very blessed in my friends.

First post of the month. I feel i am step closer to finishing the course now that January is out of the way and this month i turn 25 (which is obviously very exciting for everyone who reads this). I have been ill this week and i am wondering if i was made to feel worse by the fact that i have got myself so worked up about my Wednesday placement. I woke up yesterday morning and the dread hit me straight away and i wanted to just crawl under my blankets and hide. The day went alright in the end (although i still can't believe they will ever let me qualify as a speech and language therapist).

I think we all were feeling a little light headed yesterday evening havening survived to another Wednesday evening (i'm not the only person in this house who dreads placements) and after a celebratory beer we were all sitting around the dining table playing 'panpipes' with our san miguel bottles (we know how to rock and roll). This was followed by a couple of episodes of the Forsyte Saga, a dvd we found in the house when we moved in. Earlier in the week Rachel B made the comment that period dramas were porn for women (this was after watching North & South), all we need to see is the man touch the woman's hand or stroke her face, thats enough for us (she also described N&S as four hours of foreplay leading up to that final scene on the train platform).

Now the countdown to placements starts again and for the next week the dread shall build up again.

the winds long to play

Yesterday I walked home tugged here and there by strong winds and tried to remember a time when the winds had ever been this strong before in the south. Making my way across campus the winds were thrashing furiously and seemed to scratch and smack at the air around them. Tiles were skittering off roofs and branches were scattered across paths. Bewildered students (nothing to do with the weather, this is their usual state of mind) staggered down paths and sought shelter. I thought it was all so beautiful. The clouds were ominously grey overhead but somewhere beyond the trees a gap in the clouds allowed the sun through and everything was bathed in the slanting golden light. How could the world seem so silent and so noisy all at once? As if the world sat back and watched the trees fight it out with the winds. I was at turns hit by the wind from the side, pushed back so I had to fight for every step and, best of all, swept up from behind walking with the wind picking up my feet and whipping my scarf and hair around me. I remembered as a child waking up one morning, looking out my window and seeing a tree in the garden that had not been there the night before.

and forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair
Kahlil Gibran

A review of 2006 taken from my posts for each month.

January: I am back in reading and i once again have internet access!! woohoo!! procrastination here we come!! (that's the royal we of course).

February: It was my birthday last weekend, i am now 24.

March: I have a test in phonetics on monday and part of this is an oral in which i will get a one of nine possible cards on which will be printed 6 phonetic symbols and i will have to produce the sounds those symbols represent.

April: I have returned to university having survived my first placement, a coffee free lent and holidays with my family.

May: HURRAH!!! It's thursday evening i survived my second day of second placement, it's summer, I have a party to go to, and my brother Mark got the job he was being interviewed for today!!
One Blond's Journey to Brugge
The exams are over for the year and i survived.
(i felt all these posts should be mentioned for May).

June: A little sea-bathing would set me up forever!
Yesterday some of us went on a road trip to Brighton.

July: I can't sleep tonight so I have decided to blog about leaving Sibly.

August: (no posts)
September: (no posts)

October: The Return of the SLT Student

November: I am locked in my house.

December: Curiosity killed the cat...
The future of speech and language therapyAs i sat in the living room last night, trying to get some reading done, i became aware of a noise as if people were jumping up and down on the floor somewhere above me.