Autumn

I had forgotten just how much I loved this time of year. The last couple of years I had been so busy in the autumn settling into another academic year and starting new placements. I love putting on an extra layer of clothing and pulling my scarf close round my face as the days get cooler and I have watched the dark stormy clouds close in with delight (although as yet the storm has not delivered). The pavement outside my house is littered with the cases of fallen chestnuts and the conkers are bright and shiny and so full of colour. the house feels cosy and warm when I come inside and i appreciate the comforts of home more when it is cold outside. How beautiful it will be once the leaves turn, i must catch the moment before it passes and they are all gone.

On the tip of my fingers...

Scrabbling in my mind for the words that refuse to come. On the tip of my tongue to the tips of my fingers. Is this a picture of my life at the moment, grasping for dreams that slip away just beyond my reach like the winning words in a game of scrabble. I ponder over which direction to take. Which tile and space on the board will bring me the greatest reward? After I make my move is it too late? My words are laid and that turn will never be played again.

Sometimes the words remain infuriatingly on the tip of my tongue and sometimes they slip off too easily and can never be unsaid.

Esther is right to say words are amazing. The right words, the wrong words. How they can change our lives. The words we use in an interview, the words we use in a moment of anger or tiredness, the words which bring a smile to a stranger's face.

The tiles cannot be unplayed, the words will not be unsaid. But sometimes when all seems lost, our next words can change this game we're playing.

where do you go little bird...

I handed my dissertation in yesterday and it was just as much the anticlimax as i suspected it would be. That's it. All I can do I have done. now i wait to hear what results i get and whether I get my Masters. whatever that means.

What do i do now? I don't know and that's scary and exciting. I have never felt so alive as when i am cut free and drifting, lifted on a wave and sent crashing down at the same moment. What is the right choice to make at this time? Is it right that at this time when my dad is unwell i am considering a position abroad? I think i'm learning to let go and I know that my decisions are not as permanent as I think they are. I'm still young and i'm going to try a few things out and see what happens. If it doesn't work out then so what.